Independence Day
by CelcoLevi
Summary: The boys are 13 year olds at high school, Butters tries to lose his virginity and becomes dominant of his parents, Cartman becomes a gangster. Contains script. Read some of my other stories to understand what's going on in certain parts. Rated T for Offensive Language and Violence, contains multiple pairings and sexual references
1. You're an atheist now

April 9 2019 8:42 PM.

Stotch Residence.

Butters is in his room talking to Cartman on Skype.

Cartman: Yeah, it's a cute doll

Butters: Well, you gave it your best shot, and that's all Jesus asks of you

Cartman: Butters, I don't believe in Jesus

Butters: Oh yeah, that's right, you're an atheist now

Cartman: So how's the little cousin going along?

Butters: Oh, he's annoying, plus his hair goes down to his ass

Cartman: Yeah, I get the same crap from my cousin Elvin [mocking] Dude, you don't believe Jesus? Oh that's so sad cause you're gonna go to hell when you die [stops] and I'm like does really matter? I keep telling I'll repent my sins on my death bed, but then he keeps telling [mocks again] But you say your great-great-great-great grandpa was monkey [stops again] Dude, that's not true and in fact, I don't fully believe in evolution either, but it's similar to that, and then tells me that I believe a Polar bear can give birth to a banana tree and I had to kick his ass after that

Butters: Gee, well my parents aren't that understanding either

Stephen: Butters! Are you looking up naked chicks?

Butters: No dad! I'm chatting with my friend

Stephen: No Facebook?

Butters: No, on Skype!

Stephen: Good, I don't want you using Facebook, it'll suck the life outta you

Butters: [talks with teeth closed] Asshole!

Cartman: Aw dude, that is so not true!

Butters: Sometimes I wonder if my dad is going senile, I know that he's only 46, but jeez-looez

Cartman: I think the word you're looking for is crazy

Butters: Oh whatever, the point is, [shouts] I'm not a looking at internet porn!

Cartman: [chuckles] are you?

Butters: …Eric, if you tell anybody, I will hunt you down like the mob

Cartman: Don't worry Butters, sometimes I yank before I go to bed, it helps me sleep

Butters: So do I

Cartman: Okay, goodnight butters!

Butters: Goodnight Eric! [Butters disconnects the Skype call and turns his computer off, he then walks over to his bed and lies down for 5 seconds, he sits up and moves his hand towards his loins]

April 11 2019 8:20 AM.

South Park Bus Stop.

Cartman: [Walks up to them] Hey fags, what's goin' on?

Kyle: Oh hey, dude

Cartman: I was talkin' to Butters last night; his father's a real dipshit

Kenny: Hey, at least your family isn't poor and fights all the time

Cartman: I was talking about Butters' family and for the record; I am the third poorest person in town

Stan: Kenny, have you ever tried winning the lottery?

Kenny: No, my family doesn't believe in the lottery [bus pulls by, the boys hop in. the boys sit at the back except for Cartman, who sits next to Butters]

Butters: Hey Eric

Cartman: Hey Butters, so, what did you do after we stopped talking last night?

Butters: Hmm, nothing, all I did was jack off after we talked

Cartman: [whispers] Who did you jack off to?

Butters: well why does that matter?

Cartman: Ah nothing

Butters: Well, what did you do after bed?

Cartman: Well, I took some sleeping pills


	2. You send pictures of work to your mom?

South Park High School 8:21 AM

[Bus pulls over, the kids walk out and enter the school. As Butters and Cartman enter, some punky older kids bullying a short kid then look at them, Cartman and Butters look the other way and see some casual older kids having conversation look at them, Cartman and Butters look the other way again and see some older nerds reading books who start looking at them.

Cartman: Why does everyone keep staring at us every time we walk in here?

8th Grade Class. The teens are learning geometry.

Mr Manson: Okay children, now who can tell me what this shape is? [Points to a 3d object that has five sides on the front and back with 1 side at the bottom and top]

Cartman: [puts hand up]

Mr Manson: Yes Eric?

Cartman: Is that an octahedron?

Mr Manson: [looks at book] Yes Eric, it's an octahedron

Cartman: Yes!

South Park High Playground 10:31 AM. Cartman is texting, the 10th Graders walk up to him.

10th Grade leader: Hey! What ya got typin' there eighthy?

Cartman: Nothing, get lost!

10th Grade leader: [snatches phone off Cartman] Gimme that! [Glances at phone] You send pictures of your work to your mom? Hey Everybody! Cartman sends pictures of his work to his mom! [Everyone laughs]

Cartman: Damnit! Give it here [jumps]

10th Grade leader: Oh you want it? Come and get it! [Throws the phone over to the other 10th grader who passes it back to the leader and they repeat]

Cartman Residence 3:01 PM. Cartman is running home enraged.

Cartman: [Opens door]

Clyde: Hey Eric

Cartman: Hey Clyde, where's mom? I need to talk to her

Clyde: She's having happy time with dad

Cartman: Crap! I might as well do something while I'm waiting! [Picks up phone and dials Kyle]

Kyle: [on the phone] Hello?

Cartman: Kyle, can you gather Kenny and Stan for a game?

Kyle: What kind of game

Cartman: Anything that can pass the durrr-attion of sex!

Broflovski Residence 3:05 PM. The boys are playing trivia.

Stan: Which Jewish woman started the American-Canadian war?

Cartman: Kyle's mom

Stan: Close enough, [rings bell] okay Kyle?

Kyle: Name an Austrian Ruler

Cartman: Hitler!

Kyle: Hitler was Austrian?

Cartman: Yeah come on Kyle!

Kyle: [rings bell] Okay, Kenny, your turn

Kenny: What is the name of the area of a woman's body between the vagina and the uterus? [The boys stare at him blankly]

Cartman: Uh… the fallopian? [Kenny presses the buzzer]

Kenny: No you idiot, it's the cervix!

Cartman: Do you have to insult me?

Kenny: …Yeah!

Cartman: This sucks balls you guys, we don't we just play strip-poker instead?

Stan: Dude, I thought you hated strip-poker

Cartman: Oh yeah


	3. I don't remember bushes being outside

South Park between Broflovski house and Stotch house 3:33 PM. Cartman is walking home after playing Trivia.

Cartman: God, I gotta get home! I've been playing for way to long, my Mom's gonna wonder where I am! [Glances at watch] 3:33? Heh, what are the odds of that? [Opens door to the his house] Mom, Dad? Are you guys home? [Sees Clyde] Phew!

Clyde: Eric, where the hell have you been?

Cartman: At Kyle's house, have you been watching TV while I was gone all that time?

Clyde: Yeah, pretty much

Cartman: Are Mom and Dad finished having sex?

Clyde: Dude, they left for dinner 15 minutes ago!

Cartman: Didn't they wonder where I was?

Clyde: No, they were too busy smothering

Cartman: God, those guys are more Romantic than gay people!

Clyde: No they're not!

Cartman: Quit ruining my catchphrases, Clyde! [The Camera zooms outside the window, 2 boys appear out of the bushes]

Boy 1: I don't know, it just feels wrong to kidnap people!

Boy 2: This is why boss fired you the first time, wuss!

Cartman: Hey, I don't remember a bush being outside the window!

Boy 2: Oh shit, He spotted us! [Boys disappear into their bush disguises and separate away from the window, Cartman glances through the window and opens it and looks outside]

Cartman: Huh, it's almost like I'm on the drugs[walks outside his house and checks for the bushes] No, there aren't any bushes here[a hand from boy 2 pops out of the bush and sticks a needle in Cartman's back, Cartman makes a face and falls down]


	4. You work for me now

Blackness. Cartman floats out of the darkness, confused.

Cartman: Where the fuck am I?

Voice: You are in your head, Eric

Cartman: Who the hell are you? Why am I here?

Voice: You were put out by a needle from a stranger

Cartman: Why did the person put me out?

Voice: That, I cannot answer

Cartman: Why not?

Voice: Because you don't know why he did it

Cartman: Huh, fair enough, but why did the needle make my head do this?

Voice: Because it was a special needle, and now, watch your life flash before your eyes!

Cartman: [panicking] Why? Am I dying?!

Voice: No, no, no, no… You're just having an Adrenaline blast [trance music begins playing, a ball of light appears behind Cartman and grows and consumes him]

The first scene shows Cartman's birth, nothing but black and white, a shadow of his father appears and turns into an unhappy face.

The next scene shows Cartman playing with Clyde Frog on the windowsill, until Clyde Frog falls out the window and Cartman cries.

Cartman playing with his friends as babies, Kyle points out that Cartman is overweight

Kyle: You're fat

Cartman: Aye! Don't call me fat!

Cartman on his first day of school, he is greeted by Trent Boyett

Trent Boyett: So I hear you're the new kid

Cartman: Yes, can you tell me where the pre-school class is?

Trent Boyett: [rubs knuckles menacingly] Oh, I'll show you where the pre-school class is

Aliens loom over Cartman's body and turn him over, Cartman screams of pain.

Cartman is looking at himself in a mirror, wearing a football outfit with a bra and tinfoil hat outside of it

Cartman: This looks fucking stupid!

A bright light appears again and fades to black, the blackness slits open to be eyelids, which is Cartman waking up. He wakes up to see a big face with strabismus.

Strabismus Person: Deeeh-he's awake, baws!

Deep voice kid: Help the boy you're holding up! [Strabismus Person picks up Cartman. the Camera goes to the third person view]

Cartman: Uh, what a weird dream, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

Strabismus Person: Daw-that happens sometimes [Eric looks over and sees a person, he is wearing a suit and shades and you can only see his chin]

Deep voice kid: Welcome Eric

Cartman: Who the hell are you? And what the hell is up with your chin?

Deep voice kid: Oh sorry, [turns his chair so you can see his cheek] is that better?

Cartman: [covers his face] Oh god no!

Deep voice kid: Hey! I have Down syndrome!

Cartman: Oh god sorry!

Deep voice kid: My name is Nathan; the boy who just picked you up was Mimsy, previously my henchman, and now my Car man.

Cartman: Nathan? Mimsy? Hey I remember you! You're that kid who got a truck exhaust pipe stuck up his ass!

Nathan: Uh, how did you know about that?!

Cartman: There was a video of it on YouTube dude!

Nathan: How you could be sure it was me?

Cartman: Because you look exactly like him and you sound like him and your parents were shouting your name!

Nathan: [bangs fist on desk] Mmmotherfucker!

Cartman: Aw dude, that video was amazing! The way your pants fell off and the helicopter was holding you by your shirt-

Nathan: Mimsy! Punch Eric!

Mimsy: Yes baws! [Punches Cartman]

Cartman: Ow!

Nathan: Listen you fat fuck! You work for me now!

Cartman: Why? What have I got that's so special?

Nathan: Your amazing manipulation powers! Eric, I want you to meet your workmates! [Nathan hops off his desk and takes Cartman with him to another room where the other guys are eating] Eric, I want you to meet Seth, Morgan, Zid, and my only Soldier, Shelly

Cartman: Is this some kind of American Mafia?

Nathan: Kind of, Seth and Morgan can go undetected, Zid does the Technology and Shelly beats people up if people ask us for money and don't pay us back in time. Your job is to create a distraction for any police

Cartman: You mean like a fake police report?

Nathan: Exactly, or any kind of distraction from pretending to be a short prostitute to summoning a UFO

Cartman: So what do you call yourselves?

Nathan: …Internet Bagel

Cartman: [confused] Huh? Why internet bagel?

Mimsy: Deeh-excuse our friend here, he's retarded [Nathan punches Mimsy]

Nathan: You're the retarded one fatass!


	5. Rook what you did to my shitty car!

South Park, A 3500 van races down the road in front of Kyle's house. Kyle's father is sitting down whistling next to a desk of apples to be sold for $1 each.

Gerald: Nobody's wants to buy an apple for a dollar.

[Inside the van, Nathan's crew is inside.]

Nathan: Mimsy! Slow down! You're going way too fast!

Mimsy: You're the bawse, bawse! [Puts foot on brake and van screeches to a full stop]

Nathan: Slow! Slow you idiot! Don't stop!

Mimsy: Deh, why can't you do it bawse?

Nathan: I'm 14 and your 16; you can legally drive a car… How the hell did you get a license?

Mimsy: You made a fake license, remember bawse?

Nathan: Oh… well now I'm starting to wish I at least got my own fake license! [The van starts moving again]

Cartman: So Boss, do you have any enemies?

Nathan: Anything that is unreasonably hateful of my lifestyle

Cartman: No, I mean at Skewl?

Nathan: Skewl?

Cartman: [pouts] …School

Nathan: Oh, uh, Jimmy Valmer is my worst enemy in school

Cartman: Jimmy? That crippled kid who introduced my friend to freemium gaming?

Nathan: Yeah, probably, he gets all the chicks and every time Mimsy and I ignite a plan to kill that bastard, Mimsy fucks it up and I get fucked.

Mimsy: Ehehe, just like that time you got raped by a transvestite 4 years ago, right bawse?

Nathan: [Strikes Mimsy's chest with Elbow]

Mimsy: Deeh!

Nathan: Shut up Mimsyyyyy!

Mimsy: Hey bawse! There's a light in front of us and it's red, and there's a car in front of us!

Nathan: Well fucking stop the car then! [Too late, Mimsy crashes the van into the luling suv, Lu Kim gets out to see the damage to his car]

Lu Kim: What the fuck?!

Nathan: Oh my god! Mr Kim, I am so sorry!

Lu Kim: Fuck! Rook what you did to my shitty car!

Nathan: Mr Kim, my friend here was driving the car!

Lu Kim: Him? Why would Hire him to drive a fucking car?!

Nathan: Because I'm too young to drive a car and Mimsy is the only one who can drive

Shelly: Hey, I have driver's license!

Nathan: …You do?

Shelly: Yeah, I'm 17! How old do you think I am, turd?

Nathan: [takes his fist out and punches himself]


	6. Kyle meets a girl

Meanwhile at Kyle's house, Stan is walking towards it, he is greeted by Gerald.

Gerald: Hey you, would you buy an apple for 1$?

Stan: Uh no thanks, I'm going to see Kyle, he has big news apparently

Gerald: Oh, that's fine; he's in the pale green house behind me

Stan: I know! [Walks up to the door and knocks]

Kyle: [opens door] Oh hey Stan!

Stan: Kyle, I heard you've got some big news

Kyle: That's right! Stan, I got a girlfriend!

Stan: You did? Who is she?

Kyle: Stan, I want you to meet Milly, [Milly walks beside Kyle]

Milly: Hi Stan! [Stan pauses]

Stan: Hey Kyle, can I talk to you for a second?

Kyle: Sure dude [Kyle walks beside Stan away from Milly]

Stan: Kyle, is there a reason why you and Milly decided to get together?

Kyle: Of course! I was searching through some garbage and found Milly smoking, she told me to keep it a secret, but I'm she doesn't mind if I tell you, I decided to smoke with her and we talked, we found out we have a lot in common! Why do ask?

Stan: It's just that, I wanna make sure she isn't a Moochie

Kyle: Moochie?

Stan: Someone who only likes someone because of one thing that anyone can get, like a driver's license

Kyle: That's not what is at all! [The boys see a luling suv with huge dent on the side and shattered windows being pushed by Lu Kim]

Lu Kim: Stupid goddamn motherfucking retarded kid!

Stan: Hey Mr Kim, what the hell happened to your car?

Lu Kim: Some mentary handicapped kid crashed into my shitty car!

Kyle: Wow, looks like this guy must've hit your car pretty hard

Lu Kim: He very rucky he didn't hit a my Shitty manure truck!

Stan: Manure truck?

Lu Kim: Yeah, I started a manure hauring company since the old shitty wok isn't making any money so I got a famiry member to take my prace, it very heavy though and a car could get covered in shit if it hits ma truck![Carries on pushing car]


	7. Eric, I want to lose my virginity

April 12th 2019 11:49 Stotch Residence, Cartman is walking to the door, he knocks

Butters: [opens door] Hey Eric! You came!

Cartman: I heard you needed some help?

Butters: [Turns around and walks towards camera which is between the sofa and TV] Eric, I wanna show my parents that I don't give a shit

Cartman: And what does that have to do with me?

Butters: Eric, [Turns to Cartman] you're rebellious, will you help me lose my virginity?

Cartman: Whoa whoa whoa! Let's not skip over the tape here, butters!

Butters: But you do know about sex right?

Cartman: Course I do! When you go you shag your wife, fingering, vaginal, anal, condoms, pregnancy, STDs like AIDS! Although we don't really need to worry about AIDS anymore, do we?

Butters: No

Cartman: Then it's settled! [Clicks fingers] Butters, I'm gonna show you how to do what priests do to children!

Butters: Ew!

[Cotton Eye Joe starts playing, Cartman and Butters pick up a handicar, they travel to Nicki's Clothing Shop, there, butters tries on some clothes. Butters first tries on a tuxedo, Cartman thinks that it is too flashy, Butters tries on his metrosexual form, Cartman thinks that it is too gay, Butters tries on a nerdy outfit consisting of a red sweater and blue tracksuit pants with glasses, Cartman thinks it is too nerdy Butters tries on a red robe with his crotch exposed, Cartman is just disgusted, Butters tries on blue jeans and a black leather jacket, Cartman thumbs up. Next they go to a public bathroom and Cartman measures Butters' penis size, 5 and half inches. They next go to Barber Streisand with a sign saying "Since 2013" Butters tries on several hairdos. First flat, Cartman mehs, single spike, Nah, Spikey hair, terrible, Mullet, yes! Next they go to Lamont's Dance Studio where Butters tries to dance; he is surprisingly good at it. Last of all, they go photo dojo where Butters poses for a camera, with the photographer's consent of course. They are now walking to Butters' house]

Butters: You know Eric, I never knew you so cool

Cartman: Well, I've learned a few things since we were kids [Butters' parents are waiting for butters inside]

Stephen: When he walks in that door, I'm going to give him such a piece of my mind! [Butters and Cartman walk in] There you are Butters! Do you know how much trouble you're in mister?!

Butters: What?! For being different from you guys?!

Stephen: …Yes! Go to your room! We do not tolerate rebels in our family!

Butters: …No! [His parents are shocked] You heard me; in fact, you can just screw yourselves because I'm throwing a party!

Linda: Gasp!

Stephen: Oh know you don't! Dressing up like the fonz is one thing, but I will not have strangers everywhere ruining our house!

Butters: Relax! Most of my friends are nice!

Stephen: [He and Linda look at each other and look back at butters] we can stop your party!

Butters: No you can't, I'll prove it to you when it starts!

Stephen: Which is when?

Butters: I haven't set a date for it yet! [Backs up with Cartman and slams door shut]


	8. What is it Ike?

**I'm not dead! Sorry it took so long to upload, my computer's died and I've gotten a new one.**

South Park High Gym, Cartman is playing a special game of dodgeball with others, the kids are supposed hit the dodgeballs instead of grabbing them, Butters is sitting down watching.

Butters: Hey girls, There's a party going on at my house in a couple of days, and you're invited [Hands over cards]

Bebe: Oh cool! [Cartman is playing, his gym hat is tilted, he jumps over a dodgeball and another ball hits his clenched fist, hurting it]

Cartman: OOOWWWW! OOOWWW! [Craig and Clyde laugh]

Cartman: [Walks over to them] Oh, you think that's funny you son of a bitch?!

Butters: [Cartman is heard fighting in the background, he gradually gets subdued] No no, it's for boys as well [Cartman walks up to Butters with bruises] Hey Eric!

Cartman: [emphasizing tone] Hello, Butters!

Heidi: So, what's going to be served at your party?

Butters: Whatever Chef feels like baking, plus some gluten-free coffee!

Cartman: So what day is the party happening?

Butters: Next Sunday

Cartman: Next Sunday? Oh come on! I'll be with the gangsters by then!

Butters: What?

Cartman: Uh-nothing, I'll be with the gang, like always!

Butters: …well, how come you're panicking?

Cartman: I don't… know

* * *

South Park Elementary School, 3rd grade, Mr Garrison has Mr Hat again

Mr Garrison: So you see children, that's how America was founded, any questions or comments?

Ike: [puts hand up]

Mr Garrison: [drops eyelids] what is it now Ike?

Ike: Why did white people attack the Indians?

Mr Hat: Don't ask us [bell rings]

Mr Garrison: Alright, [points towards the door] now get your asses outside!

South Park Elementary Café, the new boys, Ike, Filmore, Quaid and Clyde, walk out from the lunch line and sit down at a table with the other boys.

Filmore: Hey you guys, check it out! [Pointing to a worried looking Karen McCormick] Karen McCormick's eating again!

Ike: [looking worried] Y-you guys, I don't think she's getting fat!

Filmore: Oh really? Then what is it?

Ike: [give intercourse sign language]

Filmore: …I'm not following you

Ike: sigh, she's had unprotected sex and now she has a baby!

Filmore: Eww! How can you be so sure?

Ike: Trust me, I've gotten women pregnant before, I know what it looks like!


	9. The first crime

April 15th 2019 3:30 PM Cartman is on his way to Internet bagel, he is reading directions on a map

Cartman: [walks up to Panda express] Panda express? Huh, doesn't look like it's open [walks up to door and knocks]

Manager: [unlocks door and peeps head outside] {whispering} ...Shit! {out-loud} Panda Express is crosed!

Cartman: Crosed? dude, it's 3:30 in the afternoon!

Manager: Uh, we crosed at that time!

Cartman: Dude, I'm not a police, I'm not up for some cock magic, all I want is to find "Internet bagel"

Manager: Internet bagar? The gang?

Cartman: Yes, {quiet voice} I happen to be a member of the gang!

Manager: Oh are you now? Come right in! [opens door to let Cartman in, Cartman walks in, Manager shuts door immediately behind Cartman]

Cartman: Okay, where's the entrance?

Manager: Come with me! [walks Cartman into kitchen] You see that shelf over there? go stand by it!

Cartman: Okay? [walks beside a food shelf, the Manager goes over to his phone and begins typing numbers on it, sounding like a phone]

Manager: That should do it!

Cartman: Do what? [floor below Cartman suddenly drops, he goes into an underground room, the elevator tilts enough to dump Cartman on the floor and goes backup again] Ow! [gets up] ow, what the hell?

Zid: Hey Eric! Sorry you had to get dumped off like that!

Cartman: Jeez! a little rough for a secret entrance

Zid: Come on! I'll show you [the Cartman and Zid walk through a hallway go into the boss' room, everyone is in there, Nathan has the back of his chair facing towards them]

Seth: {counting to self} 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, {aloud} yeah that's everyone, okay boss, what do you want?

Nathan: [turns chair around, Cartman cringes from the look of Nathan's chin] Thank you for coming! I have mission for you guys, it's another basic since Eric is our new member

Everyone: Awww!

Nathan: But we're gonna do something that should've been done a long time ago [thumps picture on desk showing a 15-year old boy]

Cartman: Who's that?

Nathan: That's Jamses Polans, he's this religious cunt that keeps egging my house and tells me that I'll burn in hell just because I watch Terrance and Phillip and try to kill People!

Morgan: Wow, what a fag!

Nathan: Tell me about it! I want you to break his arms so he can't egg my house anymore

Seth: I don't know dude

Nathan: Double rations if you agree! Fired if you don't!

Seth: Alright alright!

Nathan: Now get out! take the bats and get out! [The gang walks out of room] I gotta stop hiring stupid people!

April 15th 2019 9:43 PM, the van parks outside of the Polans' house, the gang comes out of the van and jumps over the fence in the backyard

Mimsy: Deh, how do we do get up there?

Shelly: By getting a ladder you stupid turd! [walks out of view and comes back in with a ladder, she puts the ladder in line with the window] Climb on! [Shelly begins climbing the ladder, the others follow. they get into Jamses' room, Cartman struggles to get in and falls on the floor, waking Jamses up]

Shelly: Shh!

Cartman: Sorry! [gets up] jeez, this guy is a total religious nutbag!  
Jamses: [turns over] Muh? What's going on? [Shelly applies a ball gag on Jamses' mouth] Mphhh? [The entire crew except Mimsy looms over him (Mimsy couldn't fit through the window)]

Morgan: Hey kid! Nathan Tomlin's got a message for ya, He wants his house cleaned by tomorrow!

Jamses: Mphhmphh! [the entire gang begins to club Jamses with aluminum bats, Mimsy watches]


	10. Vegetarians vs Ignorants

April 16th 2019 9:01 AM South Park High School Bus Stop, The Boys are waiting, Cartman is not present

Cartman: [walks into scene] Hey, how are you douchebags doin'?

Kyle: Hey fatass, I'm doin' good

Stan: Cartman, guess what?

Cartman: What?

Stan: Kyle got a new girlfriend!

Cartman: Whatever! [Ike suddenly walks into view] the hell are doin' here?

Ike: Wait a minute, wrong bus stop! [Walks out of view]

Cartman: [yawns]

Stan: Wow Cartman, looks like you didn't get much sleep last night

Cartman: Oh that's because I've been working all night

Kyle: ...Doing what?

Cartman: Uh nothing!

Stan: ...Come on Cartman, you can tell us!

Cartman: Okay first of all, I can't tell you! second of all, the boss would kill me if I told anyone… LITERALLY!

Kyle: So you're like a gangster or something?

Cartman: N-No I'm not a gangster! [the boys look at eachother a bit]

Stan: You are aren't you? [Cartman walks over to Stan and picks him up by the collar]

Cartman: LOOK! WHETHER OR NOT I AM A GANGSTER, YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY!

Stan: And by that tone I'm certain you are gangster! [Cartman drops Stan and walks onto the road, he immediately steps back when he sees the school bus]

South Park High April 16th 2019 10:25 AM 8th grade.

Mr Franksein: Okay children, today we're gonna be looking at a video called "Vegetarianism and Ignorants", rated seven outta ten and stars Michael Jackson's hologram [Mr Franksein walks up to projector and inserts tape, the film starts]

Narrator: Foodman Productions Presents… "Vegetarianism and Ignorants".

A kid is shown standing in a field, it's nathan as a 3rd Grader

Cartman: Hey, that kid kinda looks like-

Nathan: Hi, I'm Garry Nelson and I'm here to learn the difference between Vegetarians and Ignorants! [Michael Jackson's hologram magically appears beside him]

Michael Jackson: Weee! Did somebody say Ignorant?

Nathan: Yes! That's me!

Michael Jackson: What is it friend? What's troubling you?

Nathan: Well… There's this friend I have, right. And he doesn't really like eating meat, he has nothing against me as meat eater, he just doesn't feel very good eating it!

Michael Jackson: Well, it's sounds like he might be vegetarian, which means he doesn't eat meat

Nathan: Oh, okay. Does this mean that he's actually crazy?

Michael Jackson: Crazy? Oh golly no! He just might feel a little uncomfortable eating meat that's all!

Nathan: Why?

Michael Jackson: Well, meat is made from something that once had life and is made up of something that used to have those weird weird bloody organs inside them

Nathan: Oh, I guess you're right… But I have this other friend who believes that eating meat is evil and asks why I can't just eat plants instead instead of having something that wasn't brutally slaughtered, is he crazy?

Michael Jackson: Him? Oh no, your friend isn't crazy, he's just ignorant!

Nathan: Ignorant?

Michael Jackson: Ignorant! Ignorant! Ignorant! Ignorant! In fact, if you go to africa, [pulls down a projector screen from the top of the screen of the film showing a lion eating a deer] you can find animals killing each other and eating each other… in a lot more brutal ways than what we do! [changes slideshow to a picture of a human carcass] This man died from a Lion, I would much rather die like a cow than this!

Nathan: ...How do cows die?

Michael Jackson: Funny you should ask that! I'll show you right now!

Cuts to a scene where Nathan and Michael Jackson are gathering around a cow.

Micheal Jackson: First, we pat the cow's rump to see if it's ready to be on somebody's dinner plate! [pats cow] Nope! [pat another cow] No! [pats cow, the cow makes a gurgling sound] Ah! Here we go! Off to the Slaughter house for you

Cuts to a scene where Nathan and Michael Jackson are walking up to some fences and the camera shows Cows being guillotined on a conveyer belt

Nathan: ...That is brutal! Wait! nobody told me I'd actually be seeing Cows getting slaughtered

Michael Jackson: Well, would you rather get clawed and bleed to death?

Nathan: No!

Michael Jackson: Then shut up! [films ends, Mr Frankensein removes tape from the projector]

Mr Frankensein: Alright kids, now are there any questions that you may have? [Butters slowly puts hand up] Yes Butters?

Butters: Can you murder an animal?

Mr Frankensein: Technically, no. You can't "murder" an animal 


	11. Did you break his legs?

April 16th 2019 3:02 PM South Park Cartman residence, Cartman has arrived from school to pick up his baton.

Cartman: [Opens door and meets Clyde] Sup' Clyde!

Clyde: Hey Eric. Hey, how come you always come and go?

Cartman: What do you mean?

Clyde: Well, nothing, it's just that you always go to your room to pick up something and then leave

Cartman: Look Clyde, your brother has some personal issues that should not be told to anybody on purpose

Clyde: Why not?

Cartman: Because then I could get killed! Look, just… let me get my stuff!

April 16th 2019 3:07 PM Internet Bagel, Cartman enters the base.

Cartman: [goes down on elevator, elevator dumps him again] Ow! God damnit! Why do we have to be dumped?!  
Zid: [walks out of darkness again with the rest of the gang] Hey Cartman! You made it!

Cartman: [gets up] Why do we have to be dumped?

Morgan: [They walk along the corridor] They have to do that for new people

Cartman: [frowns] Dude, I am perfectly capable of-

Morgon: What I meant to say is that Mimsy can't walk off the platform without getting jammed between the ceiling and the elevator

Cartman: [rolls eyes] Yeah, right. [They open a door to walk into Nathan's office] Kay, boss, we're back!

Nathan: Good, [turns around in chair again, Cartman cringes less severely than before] Did you break his legs?

Shelly: Better, we put a ball gag in his mouth, then took a photo of him before we beat him and tied to the bed so he couldn't escape!

Cartman: We did?

Shelly: Yes, we did

Nathan: You got a picture of him after being beaten right?

Shelly: Yes! [hands Nathan the pictures]

Nathan: [glances at pictures] Oh, sweet! Okay Seth, I want you to take this picture and then put it on the wall of grave! [hands pictures to Seth]

Seth: Right away boss! [walks into another room]

Nathan: … [looks at Shelly] You didn't wreck the car did ya?

Shelly: No!

Nathan: Good! Mimsy, you're fired from driver's spot!

Mimsy: [stares down and walks away] Doh, but all I wanted was to drive something for once

Nathan: What? no! don't go, you still got to do the gym

Cartman: Gym?

Nathan: Gym, so that our soldiers are more fit so we can deal with the heavy things comfortably

Cartman: So we don't have missions?

Nathan: Not at the moment [the gang walks off to the gym to gang club a punching bag] 


	12. They're tied away, okay?

April 16th 2019 3:11 PM South Park Cartman residence, Clyde is playing a videogame with this friends, Ike comes walking down the stairs.

Ike: Uh, you guys, I think you might wanna take a look at this!

Clyde: [pauses game] What is it?

Ike: Dude, It's a picture of James Polans with a ball gag in his mouth! [holds up a picture of James crying with ball gag]

Fillmore: [stands up to look at the picture] That 9th grader that got attacked by a bunch of people with bats?

Ike: Yeah! What was it doing in Eric's room?

Clyde: Dude… Ike, I don't know! Really, I don't know!

Quaid: Hey look! [points to a fist holding a bat] It's a hand!

Ike: Clyde, we gotta get this to my house!

Ike's house

Ike: Good thing I have this neat little program that detects fingerprints on a photo! [presses button to zoom in on a fingerprint on an open finger on the fist and takes a picture of it] And now we wait…

Clyde: What's it doing?

Ike: It's looking for all the people who have a similar fingerprint to the one shown there, okay, it's up now. We have 326 matches!

Quaid: Y'know, that fist looks kinda big!

Ike: [looks closer] Oh yeah, [begins typing a tag] I'll put fat tag on to narrow it down.

Fillmore: Dude, look! [points to Eric Cartman, who is a match]

Clyde: My brother's a match?

Ike: We might need to ask a few questions!

Clydes: Well Eric's not home!

Stotch Residence, Butters is setting up his party in the backyard

Butters: {singing, different tune} Lu lu lu, I got some apples, lu lu lu, you got some too, lu lu lu, let's make applesauce, lu lu lu, let's take off our clothes [Cartman walks through Butters' backdoor]

Cartman: Hey Butters! How's the party going?

Butters: Great! The tables are set up, I'm serving butter on a stick!

Cartman: ...Butters, how did you get all this without your parents yelling at you?

Butters: Oh don't worry, they're in a better place now

Cartman: What do you mean they're in a better place?

Butters: Eric, you've got a sick mind, you know that?

Cartman: Well don't be so shocked, I've been up all night breaking people's legs!

Butters: What?!

Cartman: Nothing! nothing! ...Still, I'd like to know what happened to your parents

Butters: They're tied up, okay?!

Cartman: Where?

Butters: In the second basement which lies under the road connected to the basement that the stairs lead down to!

Cartman: Okay, but aren't they gonna be pissed off when you let them go?

Butters: Nah, they're already freaked out by what I did to dad. I hit him over the head with a lamp! [Cartman backs off]

Cartman: Butters, you're kinda creeping me out dude.

Butters: Eric, I am not insane!

Cartman: [thinks a moment] Okay! I'll just go to Stan's place for a while 


	13. Those unlawfully delicious cookies

April 16th 2019 3:12 PM South Park Marsh Residence, Cartman is on his way to the doorstep to see Stan. He opens the door and walks in on Stan and Wendy dancing to slow music with the lights off and candles on the floor.

Cartman: ...The fuck? [turns lights on]

Stan: What the hell?

Cartman: Stan, Wendy, what the hell are you doing?

Wendy: We were practicing for the dances in City loving tonight

Cartman: City loving?

Stan: Yeah, it's this store that opens up every year.

Cartman: Oh let me guess, Lu Kim runs it?

Wendy: Yeah

Cartman: So why are you joining it anyway?

Stan: Because we're double dating with Kyle and Milly! That's why!

Cartman: Oh, why is Wendy here anyway? Where are your parents?

Stan: Cartman, they left because they were taking a trip to Paris and I have to have a sitter. Shelly can't watch me since apparently she has to go to ballet lessons every day, so they got Wendy who is old enough to watch me for the next 5 weeks

Cartman: ...Oh, that's cute!

Stan: So why are you here, fatass?

Cartman: My mom's having me stay somewhere since school is canceled tomorrow and the next day after and my room is being rebuilt, now that the entire school burned down again [Stan and Wendy look at eachother]

Stan: ...No, Cartman!

Cartman: Please! I got no where else to sleep and I'm not sleeping on the fucking floor

Stan: Still, no!

Cartman: Oh, come on! I promise I'll be quiet!

Stan: Cartman, for the last time! we don't want you here!

Cartman: GOD DAMNIT! WHY?! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!

Wendy: Cartman, we don't want you ruining the time we're spending together to bond!

Cartman: [thinks for a moment] I'll let you have a bag of those unlawfully delicious super sugar cookies that my mom always bakes for no one but her own family! [Stan and Wendy pause and think about those irresistible cookies]

Stan: ...Okay, it's a deal!

Cartman: Good! I'll be back in a minute! [runs out the door and runs back home to get cookies, comes back gasping for air with a bag of cookies and goes back inside] I promise I won't do anything! 


	14. The Double Date

April 16th 2019 4:13 PM South Park Marsh Residence, Stan is getting dressed up for the double date, Cartman opens the door

Cartman: Hey, can I come in?

Stan: What for?

Cartman: I just need to talk, [walks in] Stan, your shoe's untied

Stan: [looks down and sees that his shoe is untied] Oh thanks! [ties shoe]

Cartman: Hey, did you know that Butters is having a party tomorrow?

Stan: Yeah, I heard, you coming?

Cartman: Come on! I'm like, Butters' best friend!

Stan: Oh yeah, how do I look? [Cartman examines Stan's suit]

Cartman: You look, kewl! [thumbs up] Hey, do I look fat in this? [Stan looks at Cartman's suit]

Stan: ...Yes

Wendy: Stan, Come on! Kyle and Milly are expecting us at 4:15!

Stan: Coming babe!

Cartman: Hey, why did your parents let Wendy sit you?

Stan: Eric, my dad couldn't give two shits if I had a full blown booze party goin' on

Cartman: Wow, your dad is so freakin… Did you just call me Eric?

Stan: Well, that is your name, isn't it?

Cartman: Yes, but, you normally call me-

Wendy: Come on Stan! If we're late, we might have nothing to sit on!

Stan: Okay, Okay! [to Cartman] I know something she can sit on! [Cartman chuckles]

April 16th 2019 4:16 PM City Loving, Stan, Wendy and Cartman arrive. Lu Kim is at the cash register dressed as sailor

Lu Kim: Oh herro! Welcome to Shitty Rub! May I take your order prease?

Stan: Yeah, We're looking for Kyle and Milly?

Lu Kim: Over there! [points to Kyle and Milly]

Wendy: Alright

Cartman: You guys go ahead! I'm gonna buy me some City Sundae! [Wendy walks away disgusted, Stan walks with her] Gee Mr Kim, for a chinese man you sure are milking it [Stan and Wendy sit with Kyle and Milly]

Kyle: Stan, you made it! [Cartman arrives]

Cartman: Room for one more? [looks to Cartman's direction]

Kyle: ...What is he doing here?

Cartman: [pulls stool to sit on] Kyle, will you relax?

Kyle: No, what is he doing here?

Stan: We let him tag along, okay?

Kyle: Why?

Milly: Kyle, you said you wouldn't be asking any questions

Kyle: No, this is different, why did you let Cartman tag along?!

Stan: Because he played the biscuit trick on us!

Kyle: Oh god! [Officer Barbrady walks in with a pizza box in his hand]

Officer Barbrady: Um, did somebody order a pizza?

Cartman: That'd be me! [Waiter comes along and gives the other kids the city chicken that were ordered]

Kyle: I can't believe this! [Cartman takes a piece of his pizza and lowers it into his mouth and repeats]

Cartman: Kyle, I don't like it when you're edgy, I hate it! [Kyle tries to keep his cool]

Milly: Kyle, maybe if you take your jacket off, you'll feel better!

Kyle: Okay, [Kyle takes jacket off and sighs] But I'm still mad that you let Cartman come with you!

Wendy: Guys, we came here to have dinner, not discuss about whether or not Cartman should be here!

Kyle: You're right [Kyle starts to slowly eat his city chicken, Cartman's phone rings]

Cartman: Hello? Yeah, I'm fine, Me and my bros are out having a relaxing night at city loving, Uh huh, why? Well tell Clyde that he should stay outta my room! [turns phone off]

Wendy: Who was that?

Cartman: My mom, she says Clyde thinks I'm responsible for the beating of James Polans! [Waiter arrives with city sundae] Oh kewl! My sundae's ready! [Begins gobbling down his sundae, the others look at him with worry] What?

Stan: ...Cartman, don't you ever get full?

Cartman: Course I do, what kind of person would I be if didn't? [sips remaining sundae]

Kyle: ... a very very broken person who needs medical attention

Cartman: UUUUURRRRRP! Oh, scuse me!

Lu Kim: Uh, the dance floor's open now!

Wendy: That's our cue Stan! come one! [drags Stan out to the dance floor]

Band starts playing Percy Sledge's "When a Man Loves a Woman"

Everyone starts slow dancing, Kyle and Milly. Cartman looks at all the dancers

Cartman: Teh! Girls! Who needs Girls?

Wendy: Oh Stan, that song was the same song that was played at the intermediate elementary school dance when Carl Casper had to substitute for the Keytar player

Stan: Carl Casper? Wait, isn't that also the name of that guy from that movie, Chef?

Wendy: Yeah, and Carl Casper looked alot like…

Stan: Cartman? [pans to Cartman]

Cartman: What? what are you looking at me for?

Stan: You're Carl Casper… that fourth grader who hooked us up? [Cartman pauses, before running frantically out the restaurant] 


	15. The end of the double date

Marsh Residence, Stan and Wendy walk in after the date to look for Cartman.

Stan: Cartman! [walks up to him eating crisps while watching tv] Cartman?

Cartman: Oh hey Stan! [pulls out phone and starts searching]

Wendy: What are you doing?

Cartman: Well, I got bored so I went back home. [takes a selfie, then takes a picture of Stan and Wendy] Well, I'm gonna go leave you guys alone, so if you don't mind, I'm going to go to Stan's room and watch some T&amp;P [gets off Couch and walks upstairs to Stan's room, Stan and Wendy sit down together to watch tv, Stan removes his jacket]

Stan: {to Wendy} So, what do you wanna watch? [Cartman is watching a new T&amp;P episode in Stan's room]

Terrance and Philip are at Scott The Dick's funeral, who was killed off recently.

Priest: Let us remember Scott The Giant Di- [Terrance farts and both Terrance and Phillip laugh]

Philip: Oh Terrance! You farted at a funeral! [Priest looks agitated]

Priest: As I was saying, Scott The Giant Dick will always be- [Phillip farts, they both laugh]

Terrance: Good one Philip!

Priest: ...Scott The Giant Dick will always be known as- [Terrance farts again, they laugh]

Philip: Here we go again! [Scott suddenly sits up]

Scott: Can we just get this over with already?! I'm not a fucking statue!

Terrance: Okay! Okay! [they quieten down]

Priest: Ahem! Let us remember that Scott The Giant Dick will always be known as the man that almost fucked Canada... several times… in the ass. Although he was- [somebody else farts] For god's sake! That third one was already stretching outside the script! [Terrance and Phillip look at each other confused]

Philip: Um, that wasn't us [sniffs] Ew! Katie! Did you just Queef?! [everyone frowns]

Katie: What? Philip farted several times in the funeral!

Priest: Excuse me! [everyone looks at the priest]

Scott: I loathe you guys!

Priest: Although he did not become a major part Terrance and Phillip till Season 6, he will always be known as the man that fucked Canada several times in the ass, he hated fart humour with all his mind and tried to give Terrance and Phillip cancer with his mind, only it worked in the opposite way and he gave himself cancer instead. May the body be buried. [The coffin is shut and is lowered into the ground to be buried]

Cartman: That's so sad! [turns tv off and looks through Stan's shit] Wow, Stan has a lot of shit [picks up a picture] There's a picture of Wendy in here [sniffs it] Wheh! It smells like Chlorine! Hey Stan!

Stan: Yeah?

Cartman: Why does your picture of Wendy smell like Chlorine?

Stan: *Splutters* Dude, you did you look into my shit again?!

Cartman: No, I just found it!

Stan: It just does, alright?

Cartman: ...Okay! Goodnight you guys!

Wendy: …Why does it smell like Chlorine?

Stan: [turns off tv] Well Wendy, there is a certain body fluid that actually smells kinda like Chlorine

Wendy: Oh… what would that be then?

Stan: Well, Cartman's asleep and we're alone… what does that tell you?

Wendy: Oh... 


	16. Butters' super awesome party

April 17th 2019 11:25 AM South Park Marsh Residence, Cartman has just woken up from sleep in Stan's room

Cartman: Dude, where am I? [Phone rings] Hello?

Butters: Eric, did you get that speaker I asked you for?

Cartman: Uh yeah

Butters: Eric, the party was supposed to start five minutes ago!

Cartman: Oh shit, the party, I completely forgot about that!

Butters: Yeah, there's people lined up outside! and I'm waiting for the amps to get here!

Cartman: Okay, Butters, I'll be right there! [hangs up]

Butters: Hey, where were you last night anyway?

Cartman: I was at City loving, a place that opens twice a year, once on Valentines day, and some random other day, Stan and Wendy were double dating with Kyle and Millie.

Butters: Okay, goodbye Eric! I'll see you at the party!

Cartman: g'bye! [hangs up] Now, lets see, where the hell did I put that amp? [after finding it, Cartman walks past Stan and Wendy, who are spooning] Huh, I wonder what happened here?

Cartman goes to Butters' house, he sees a ton of people.

Jimmy: Aw, finally! The a-a-a-a-amp is here! [everyone goes nuts]

Timmy: Timmay!

Cartman goes inside house and goes to set up the amp.  
Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Stotch are tied up in the basement.

Mr Stotch: ...Y'know, maybe we've been doing parenting the wrong way

Mrs Stotch: What?

Mr Stotch: Do you think, that maybe… we've been treating our son so horribly and half-assedly that it's collapsed on us now that he's in his teens? Like a when you put too much weight on a bridge while standing underneath it and it comes down on your head?

Mrs Stotch: Well, maybe

Mr Stotch: After all, we, kind of threw him out a window and clicked his ankle all because we badmouthed us

Stotch Backyard, Butters is stamping labels on people's wrists to determine whether or not they're single. Jimmy and Craig walk up to Butters

Jimmy: Hey Butters, great party you got going here!

Craig: Yeah, this is totally like, the best party evar!

Butters: Thanks guys! [turns to Tweek] So Tweek, you single or taken?

Tweek: Single! [Butters stamps label, Tweek hurries over to the Coffee and punch bowl and steals the coffee]

Timmy: [rolls up to the boombox] Timmah! [takes phone and starts playing "Rednex: Wild and Free"]

Butters: {to Annie Nelson} Single or taken?

Annie: I'm taken [Butters puts stamp on] Well, that's the last of them, Time to go party! [Runs into crowd]

Cartman: So Butters, how's the party going? Like, how many single women are there?

Butters: Not as many as I was hoping for, Oh well, at least there are cute gay people here! [Cartman looks surprised but then stops]

Cartman: Oh yeah that's right, you're straight and gay

Butters: Bisexual, it's bisexual!

Cartman: All right all right! Butters, how long does this party go for?

Butters: Oh don't worry, this party goes for the rest of the day and tonight!

Cartman: Oh sweet! I'm totally gonna hit on Patty Nelson! [walks away, comes back shortly with a wet face] Well, that was a miscalculation

Butters: Aw, don't worry, I'm sure you're gonna find the right woman someday! [Bebe suddenly pops over with a glass of punch in her hand]

Bebe: Hey Butters!

Butters: Oh hey Bebe!

Bebe: This is a really great party [drinks glass of punch empty and drops it] ...Wanna get outta here?

Butters: Okay!

Cartman: Are you feeling alright Bebe?

Bebe: I'm feeling fine! [She and Butters walk away, Cartman looks at the punch and walks over to it to take some punch, he gives a surprised look]

Cartman: This isn't punch, it's wahn! [turns around] Uh, everybody, somebody spiked the punch... [turns back around] ...ah, fuck it! [pours bowl into mouth] Oh dude!

Everyone is dancing happily, more spiked punch is being served, Tweek is running all over the place, time starts passing really quickly, dancing, more dancing, titties, someone throwing up, Jimmy being carried across a crowd, and eventually, Butters is wakes up.

18th April 2019 9:12 AM South Park Stotch Residence, Butters has just woken up in his room.

Butters: Ohohohh! My head, it hurts like hell! [turns around and sees Bebe] UAAAH!

Bebe: Hi Butters

Butters: Bebe?! What the hell are you doing here?

?: What the hell?

Butters: Eric? [turns around and sees Cartman spooning with a teddy bear]

Cartman: Uh, hey… Why am I spooning a teddy-OW! [Butters looks back at Bebe]

Butters: Did we just?

Bebe: Yes Butters, we had sex

Butters: ...Woohoo! Can we do it again so I remember it this time?

Cartman: Oh god noooo! 


	17. The fucking hangover!

April 18th 2019 9:45 Stotch Residence, a bunch of kids walk out and Bebe.

Bebe: Bye Butters!

Butters: Bye Bebe! [Jimmy walks out]

Jimmy: Great party Butters! It was… c-c-c-c-cool!

Butters: Thanks Jimmy!

Cartman: Say Butters, you sure Bebe won't be -owwww!

Butters: Oh don't worry, the spunk went on her back!

Cartman: Aw, too much informa- uuuugh! How much did I drink?!

Butters: I don't know, but you drank more than I did, my hangover's gone away!

Cartman: Well, Butters, it may be Thursday but I gotta go back home cause' school got canceled or something I don't remember [is about to walk out but is stopped by Butters]

Butters: Hey Eric, before you go, I just wanna say thanks. You've been a really big help to me'n'all that, what with all the stuff you got me for the party, and the hair do and the clothing and the dancing. It was you that made it possible for me to have sex… twice, and to think, I used to be a wussy little blonde kid who knew nothing about sex at all and didn't really curse and once thought he was in virtual reality just because someone told him. You're one manipulative motherfucker, Cartman!

Cartman: D'aww, thanks man! [Butters kisses Cartman on the nose, Cartman is surprised] ...Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

Butters: What? what did I do?

Cartman: Okay, rule number eleven: Don't ever kiss a guy straight after banging a hot chick twice, especially when the guy is a not gay and watched you have sex with a really hot girl!

Butters: Sorry, it's not that I'm gay for you, but I'd be half-surprised if nobody took a liking to you! [they walk out into the sunset]

Cartman: What do you mean half-surprised?

Butters: Oh, y'know, you're kind of a douche to everybody at school, not everyone's used to it

Cartman: I'm guess what you're saying is that no girl will ever like me if I act like a douche? UR-GAAH! The fucking hangover!

Butters: Well yeah, exactly. Don't you ever get tired of being a dick?

Cartman: Yeah, sometimes. But it runs in the family, it's a family full of pricks. Like a family-tree except instead of being full of fruit, it's full of pricks

Butters: You mean like a cactus? Like a, Family-cactus?

Cartman: Oh my god, Butters, you're a fucking genius! 


	18. We're gonna spy on Cartman

April 22nd 2019 10:59 South Park Elementary School 3rd Grade

Mr Garrison: So that's how babies are born, any questions?

Ike: [puts hand up]

Mr Garrison: Yes, Ike?

Ike: Why did we need to know aboot this?

Mr Hat: Cause' your god damn principle said so! [Bell rings]

Mr Garrison: Okay, for the 84th time, get the hell outta my class!

A 7 minutes later in the School Cafeteria

Ike: Why not?

Clyde: Look Ike, Eric might not be smart, but when he's competent, he's competent

Ike: Yeah, but I've been working on this drone for 3 weeks now

Clyde: {interested} ...Go on

Ike: I just finished it last night, it uses teethless wheels and runs on gas. I call it the "silent running drone"

Quaid: Like in that movie, silent running drones?

Ike: ...No, not like silent running drones Quaid, it's way cooler than that!

Quaid: Oh

Clyde: It sounds pretty kewl, so if we use your drone to spy on my brother, we can find out if he's the culprit, or one of the culprits behind the beating of James Polans!

Ike: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, it's tiny!

Filmore: So it's tiny drone that runs on gasoline and is completely quiet!

Quaid: That sounds like one of the cameras that you use to tape a couple having sex without them knowing!

Filmore: Dude, gross!

Ike: I actually did that, last week I took it out for test spin and taped Eric Cartman just gracefully watching two other people having sex like he was drunk!

Meanwhile in South Park High School…

Cartman: Aw, but the worst part was the hangover in the end!

Kyle: ...Hey, shouldn't Bebe be pregnant, Butters?

Butters: Well, I sure hope not! I mean, I was wearing a condom!

Stan: That's true, but condoms don't always work, you know that?

Butters: Oh, don't try any of that abstinence bullshit on me!

Stan: But you do know that condoms don't 100% of the time!

Butters: Yeah, but if it doesn't work, you should take a pill or two!

Cartman: {Whispering} That's true, Stan, did your girlfriend take pills?

Stan: Dude!

Cartman: What? I'm serious! I know what you guys did last week! I woke up in your bedroom the day of the party!

Stan: Oh yeah

Kyle: Did anyone know about the alcohol?

Butters: Nope, only Eric, but I kinda figured it out when I woke up

Cartman: {Whispering} It's weird, cause when Bebe flirted with you, you were totally sober and she wasn't

Butters: Actually, she fed me a lot of [does air quotes] "punch" after that it was lights out

Kyle: But how would she be able to do that?

Butters: Well apparently, she had been drinking, just not enough to get drunk

Cartman: But she acted like she was wasted

Butters: Good enough for me

Kenny: ...You lucky fucker

Butters: Hey Kenny, you've had sex with plenty of women

Kenny: I know, I know

Kyle: Ike says you watched Butters having sex

Cartman: What? I don't remember that, and how would he know that? 


	19. The second Crime

April 22nd 2019 3:10 Panda Express

Cartman makes his way into Internet Bagel, he hops off the ramp before it dumps him, he thinks he's succeeded, but the ramp comes back up and flips him over by the ass, he walks into the boss' office.

Cartman: Hello boss!

Nathan: Good Evening!

Mimsy: Deh, everyone's here boss!

Nathan: Shut up Mimsy!

Shelly: So, what are we doing tonight boss?

Nathan: Boys… girls… tonight, we're going to hunt down Jake Towiki! [Everyone is cheerful]

Cartman: Does this mean we're gonna find someone and kick their asses, like we see in those movies and shows?

Nathan: Yes, that asian bastard took our money!

Cartman: Did you give him time?

Nathan: 6 Months ago!

Cartman: ...Oh… Well lets kick his ass! He deserves it!

April 22nd 2019 8:19 South Park Motel

Jake Towiki is making sure Internet Bagel isn't around. He shuts the door to go to bed, but is woken up by a thump. It is Internet Bagel with Cartman penetrating the doors with his Nightstick and looking through the holes he makes, after a few doors, He spots a Man having sex with a prostitute.

Prostitute: Aah!

Man: Hey, get out!

Cartman: Dah! [Keeps walking, after a few more, he looks in on another Man having sex with a prostitute]

Prostitute: Aah!

Cartman: God damnit! [He keeps going and looks in on a Woman having sex with a Male Prostitute]

Male Prostitute: Gaah!

Cartman: Fuck! [he goes again and finds Big gay Al and Mr Slave having sex]

Big gay Al: Oh my!

Mr Slave: Oh Jesus Christ!

Cartman: Oh god! [He goes once more and finds a man fucking a horse]

Horse: Neheheheheh!

Cartman: WHAT THE FUCK! [Cartman goes once again and finally finds Jake Towiki the 10th grade leader (6th grade leader in present)] There you are! [move away from hole for Shelly to throw her hand through the hole and unlock the door for them to come in, they go in]

Jake: Wait! If you just give me more time-

Cartman: The boss says he's been waiting for 6 months asshole!

Jake: ...Cartman?

Cartman: Yeah! That's right! Who's the lil' fatty now?

Mimsy: Yeah, who's the lil' fatty?

Cartman: Shut up Mimsy!

Jake: Shit, but I-

Morgan: No buts, you're fucked! [They pile over Jake and beat him, the camera zooms back to a tiny drone which goes back to Ike Broflosvski and his gang, they all have a shocked look on their face]

Ike: ...Yeeeup, Cartman's a gangster

Filmore: So what do we do?

Clyde: Well, we're gonna tell on him, right Ike? ...Ike?

Ike: I don't know... I kinda wanna see how this all plays out!

Filmore: What?

Clyde: Dude!

Quaid: That ain't cool, man 


	20. That escalated quickly

South Park Elementary School 11:01 AM

Ikes gang walks up to Corey Lanskins gang at their table

Ike: {proud tone} Hey you guys! [the gang turns their heads]

Corey: Oh look, weeman!

4th grader 1: What does 'weeman' want?

Clyde: Ike just invented a new tiny drone

4th grader 2: We know! Tell us something we don't

Ike: ….Oh, yes, we used it to spy on approximately the same people who beat up James Polans

Corey: [leans in] Do you mind showing us the footage... if you have any?

Ike: Sure, buddy! [pulls out IPhone and searches for footage] Here! [gives them the phone, Corey and the gang look at the footage]

Seth: You sure this is the right place?

Shelly: No, but every guy we've beaten's resorted to a motel

4th grader 3: Wut-te-wut?

Cartman: Dah! God damnit! Fuck! Oh god! WHAT THE FUCK?! There you are! You guys, I found him! [Shelly puts her arm through the hole and opens the door, they go inside and beat Jake Towiki]

Jake: Wait, wait! Ahh!

Corey: You're telling me these are the guys who beat up James Polans?

Ike: Precisely! [pulls out a picture from a pocket under his jumper, it is the picture of James Polans after being beaten] In that picture, you can clearly see fatass' hand holding the same weapon in that video, also the shadows match the guys who beat up Jake Towiki!

4th grader 2: Wait, that's James Polans getting beaten up? the guy who recently went to hospital because he was apparently beaten by a gang?

Filmore: Yeah! Who else would it be?

Corey: Well, just some random guy, but your evidence is working with me!

Quaid: So does that make us cool kids now?

Corey: Sure, why not? [goes back to eating with his buddies, the boys high-five each other]

Clyde: You guys, we should probably tell the teachers about this

* * *

South Park High School 11:05 AM

The boys are eating, Kenny is having noodles with chopsticks. Cartman looks at Kenny's food.

Cartman: So, keeny, couldn't help but notice you're eating chinese food. I mean, I never knew such unadvanced people of your race could eat such advanced food of the human race [Kenny gives Cartman a confused look]

Kenny: ...What the fuck does that even mean?

Cartman: ...Crap! [Kyle gives Cartman a suspicious look]

Kyle: Hey Cartman, I have a question for you

Cartman: ...Yes, Kyle?

Kyle: Where were you the day Jake Towiki went to hospital recently?

Cartman: I went to see a movie

Kyle: What movie?

Cartman: ...Catman

Kyle: ...How was the movie?

Cartman: I'm not sure they were even trying, it's one of those "so bad, it's good" movies. Well, come to think of it, it was a comedy

Kyle: Well that's funny, cause I noticed that Ike posted a video of you and some other guys busting into Motel rooms and at the last one, going in and having sex with someone! [Everyone is silent]

Cartman: ...Wait, what?

Kyle: I mean-

Cartman: Kyle, what the fuck?

Kyle: I mean, you and some other guys went in and beat the crap out of somebody with a nightstick!

Cartman: ...Ike posted a video? [Kyle takes out his Phone and shows the video of Cartman and Internet Bagel]

Stan: Shelly?

Cartman: Who that? She's a chick that looks like she might be helping them get door open, nice ass

Stan: Hey, that's my sister you're talking about!

Kyle: See, it's like you know!

Cartman: HEY, THOSE WERE JUST REALLY GOOD GUESSES!

Kyle: Sure

Cartman: LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? [Stands up] FUCK YOU KYLE, FUCK YOU STAN, FUCK YOU BUTTERS, FUCK YOU KENNY, FUCK EVERYBODY [leaves]

Stan: ...Woah, dude!

Kyle: He's doing a really good job at hiding this!

Cartman: YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF, ALRIGHT?!

Butters: ...That escalated quickly


	21. Why are you so mad?

South Park High School 2:55 PM

The kids are being taught sex education on the uterus.

Mr Gates: Now, who can tell me what this is?

Kenny: I know what it is!

Mr Gates: Okay, can we please have someones who's not an unsheltered bastardized redneck poor person?

Kenny: Oh, fuuck you!

Mr Gates: Aey! Do that again and you're in detention! [Kenny pouts] Kenny, would you stop acting like a 10-year old and start acting like a 14-year old?

Kenny: I'm 13

Mr Gates: But you turn 14 in 4 months

Kenny: That's still a long time! [Kyle is writing in his journal and looks at Cartman on the other side of the room, who is appears to be very angry. Kyle is dismayed by his unnecessary attitude, Cartman crunches a water bottle he was holding, Kyle flails his arms in a sign language of "What?!"]

Cartman: {Hissing} Memories [Bell rings]

Mr Gates: Okay kids, school's over, now go out and enjoy your happy little lives in IPhone 9s

Butters: Hey, not all of us have lives in the IPhone 9s!

Mr Gates: I believe you

The kids walk out of the high school, Cartman is still mad at Kyle

Kyle: Why are you so mad?!

Cartman: Memories, Kyle. I've been thinking about all those times you've fucked me over in the past

Kyle: Hey, you deserved those fuck-overs!

Cartman: No, I've been thinking, and ever since 6th grade, you've been getting me into all this crap that usually starts with you!

Kyle: ...Just give me an example of when I screwed you over hard!

Flashback, Kyle is on the computer and his telephone rings, he picks it up.

Kyle: Yes?

Cartman: KYLE! WHY DOES MY "MONDAY" VIDEO HAVE MORE DISLIKES THAN JUSTIN BEIBER'S "BABY"?

Kyle: ...Um, it was deliberately terrible?

Cartman: WHAT?! I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO THIS!

Kyle: Actually, if you read the 34th line of the contract, you would've known that we were gonna make the song sound terrible by having terrible acting and use half-assed autotune instead of decent autotune?

Cartman: {Shaky voice} ...Why?

Kyle: Because we can earn a lot more money than being liked this way?

Cartman: So you're telling me that you took a song that I actually wrote and cared for for once and threw it into a pile of garbage and put that in a trash compactor and put in a place where everyone can see it just so you could earn a few bucks? What do I get?

Kyle: Sorry dude, we don't actually pay the people who write these things

Cartman: Things?! THINGS?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE?!

Kyle: We sold out on them too, then they killed themselves

Cartman: [Cartman blinks his eyes individually] Words cannot describe what kind of evil you are doing kyle!

Kyle: I'm hanging up now [hangs up]

Cartman: ...FUCK YOU KYLE, YOU FUCKING JEW! [throws phone out the window]

Flashback ends.

Kyle: Okay, that was pretty brutal of us

Cartman: Yeah, and there's a lot more stupid and arrogant bullshit you pulled on me in the past! So you better watch your ass Kyle! [walks away] cause one day, you gon' get a tow hitch up your ass!

Kyle: ...What's a tow hitch?

Cartman residence 3:03, Clyde is playing videogames with his friends.

Ike: ...Hey, we should totally do another video of Eric in one of his crimes

Clyde: Yes, but I also think we should tell an adult about this, it's the 1930s all over again

Quaid: Hey you guys, Fatass is on his way here!

Ike: Oh shit, I better hide! [gets off couch and hides behind a pot plant, Cartman walks in]

Cartman: Hey, why is the game paused?

Clyde: Well, I was just about to [thinks for a second] go to the bathroom

Cartman: ...I believe you [goes to his room, Cartman takes out his phone and goes to Nathan Tomlin on his calls list, he texts him "Hey Nathan wot r we doing 2night?" and puts his phone away. He takes out his photos of everyone in his gang that he received when he joined and flips through them, he flips back to Shelly Marsh] ...Huh [turns picture sideways] There's something about her 


	22. Butters makes up with his parents

Stotch Residence, Butters is walking towards the basement door and opens.

Stephen: *Gasp* there he is! [Butters walks down the stairs leading to them]

Linda: NO! STAY AWAY FROM US!

Butters: Hey, relax dad! It's only me!

Stephen: It's getting closer! [Butters is now right in front of them, dramatic music plays while Stephen and Linda are screaming. It ends with Butters slapping both of them]

Butters: Mom, Dad, I'm not going to hurt you!

Stephen: Y-you're not?

Butters: No… Look, I'm sorry for hitting you over the head with a lamp, then tying you up in the basement and having a party!

Stephen: You're… sorry?

Butters: Yeah, I've been a jerk [Stephen flashes back to several times he grounded Butters or threatened to ground Butters]

* * *

Stephen: Remember Butters, don't get involved with any crimes, or you'll be grounded

4-year old Butters: O-Okay dad, I won't!

* * *

Stephen: Butters, what is this? [walks up to 6-year old Butters with a picture of Red]

Butters: Oh uh, That's Red Mcfarlane, she's a girl at school!

Stephen: Butters, what did I say about collecting pictures of Women?

Butters: ...Don't collect pictures of Women?

* * *

Stephen: Now you better not be gay or else you're grounded for life!

7-year old Butters: Oh gee, well that doesn't sound very fair!

Stephen: What?

Butters: My Health Teacher says that being gay is written in the genes and not something you choose!

Stephen: Oh, well that's just a bunch of garbage they teach you at school

* * *

Stephen: Now Butters, you're going to stay in the basement with your basemates, Pip and Dougie, until the end of the party. Now don't go out until the end or you'll be grounded!

Butters: Okay dad!

* * *

Linda: Don't you make that face at me, young man!

Butters: I'm not makin' a face, mom!

Linda: Stop it!

Craig: ...Come on, we wanna see the ass people

Kyle: Alright

Linda: Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop making that stupid face at me, you can just stay in your room for another week! [goes inside and shuts the door]

Butters: Another week? [turns around and drops down] I hate my stupid face

* * *

Butters: Hi mom and Dad!

Stephen: DON'T SAY HI TO ME YOU LITTLE PUNK! [punches Butters]

Butters: Ow! Hey, what did I do?!

Linda: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER?!

* * *

Stephen: Oh yes, we'll ground the shit out of him!

* * *

Flashbacks end.

Stephen: No! I've been a jerk!

Butters: Huh?

Stephen: Butters, I know you can't help being bisexual, and I know you can't help making faces. I'm bisexual myself, I'm the one who grounded you for selling cum that you didn't know of at the time, I'm the one who tried to sell you for 312 million dollars!

Butters: Well to be fair, that's an awful lot of money!

Stephen: Butters, do your old man and woman a favour and untie us please?

Butters: Okay, [reaches back and whips out an active chainsaw from behind him, Stephen and Linda scream. Butters cuts the ropes clean]

Stephen: I'm free! Butters, come'ere! [Butters flicks his hair and it turns into a puffball again, Butters, Stephen and Linda all group hug]

**That's the end of Butters' plotline for now, some reviews for the story so far would be nice**


	23. Third crime's the charm

Panda Express, Cartman is on his way to the gang. He walks through the room and gets on the secret elevator, the elevator goes down, Cartman waits to be dumped, but nothing happens. Cartman steps on the elevator a few times, he slowly gets off and turns around to look at the elevator, but is too close. The elevator tilts and crushes Cartman's toes, Cartman grunts. The elevator goes up and uppercuts Cartman. Zid walks out of the darkness.

Zid: Hey Cartman!

Cartman: This is a really crappily set up entrance… help me get up! [Zid helps Cartman onto his feet]

Zid: Hey guess what?

Cartman: What?

Zid: You're late!

Cartman: Oh shit, am I in trouble?

Zid: No, it's not like you told anyone about our gang

Cartman: Of course not, that would get me shot! Hey, why did Nathan create this gang, anyway?

Zid: I heard his parents were abusive, he says they refuse to not send him to Cripple camp

Cartman: Jeesh, his parents must be assholes

Zid: Yeah, his parents always go "I'm sorry, I can't understand you, you're handicapped"

Cartman: Yeah… I used to make fun of handicapped people back in fourth grade, to be fair, I made fun of everybody, and everybody took it to heart

Zid: Wow, so nobody ignored you?

Cartman: Yeah, everyone reacts like people when they get offended by some Terrance and Phillip episodes, hey what are doing for the third mission?

Zid: Oh, we're going to rob someone's house!

Cartman: ...Oh, okay

House, night, a van stops beside it. After a few seconds, it moves away and moves behind a single small bush, a white sheet is tossed over it.

Morgan: Nice once Mimsy. okay, here's the plan, Cartman and Shelly get inside the house via the air vents, Cartman's gonna use anesthetic gas the couple, Shelly's gonna get inside the house and unlock the door, I'm gonna get inside and open the vault

Cartman: ...That seems awfully testy, cause I'm fat

Morgan: Yes, and we're gonna do it with masks this time [takes masks from pocket] here [Shelly and Cartman take the masks]

Seth: Hey Morgan, what do we do while you get the money?

Morgan: You guys warn us if we've been caught

Zid: Okay

Cartman and Shelly walk into the front yard, they make it to the side of the house and put on their masks. Shelly opens the air vent and waits for Cartman to get inside, Cartman is confused.

Shelly: Well what are you waiting for?

Cartman: A lift? [Shelly sighs, she picks up Cartman by the upper back and knees] Woah, woah, woah [throws him inside the vent, Cartman is still] Huh, that was weird

Shelly: Just go! [Cartman moves across the vents, we cut to a couple sleeping in bed, they hear the sounds of vent steps]

Woman: Honey, do you hear that?

Man: *grumbles* nobody cares, Molly, just go to sleep ["Molly" reluctantly turns over and falls asleep. Cartman takes a flat gas bomb and throws it inside the room, the bomb goes off and Cartman proceeds to block his nose]

Cartman: Hey, we can still breathe through our mouths right?

Shelly: I think so… move it! [Cartman moves forward to let Shelly get inside, Shelly unscrews the vent with a screwdriver and falls out. She lands on the bed and bounces off of it onto the floor]

Cartman: Hey, can I come too?

Shelly: No, stay in there, turd! [Shelly gets out of the room. Meanwhile, the Stoley family is around and Mr Stoley is about to close the curtains when he notices Morgon. He looks around and finds an open vent and a white van shaped object]

Mr Stoley: What the hell?

Mrs Stoley: Felix, is there something wrong?

Felix: ...Eva, could you get the police?

Shelly opens the door for Morgon

Morgan: Yes, nice work babe!

Meanwhile at South Park Police Station

Officer Yates: Uh huh… uh huh… so you're telling me that your neighbors house is being robbed and the neighbors themselves aren't doing anything about it?

Felix: Well, is it possible that the neighbors got tied up or something?

Officer Yates: Oh… are they black?

Felix: What?

Officer Yates: Are they black?

Felix: Well, they're wearing black, but they're not black as in black skin color

Officer Yates: Oh, so we don't shoot them on the spot?

Felix: What? no, we don't want you to shoot anyone on the spot, just get them the hell outta here!

Officer Yates: Oh, where do you live?

Felix: 2067, Bonanza Street [Officer Yates hangs up]

Officer Yates: Boys, tonight, we're dealing with some serious fucking criminals!

Shelly, Cartman and Morgan make their way out of the house with the money with their masks on.

Morgan: Isn't it amazing? In the 20th century, you had to haul huge ass bags in order to steal money, now you can just store it all in this neat little card!

Cartman: I saw on the news that they're working on making credit-chips now [Police sirens] Oh fuck

Shelly: Let's get the fuck out of here! [Everyone runs except for Cartman who is immediately out of breath, a bunch of police cars park behind him]

Mimsy: [rolls down window] Hey, fellas!

Shelly: Start the van!

Mimsy: Start the what?

Morgan: Start the fucking van!

Mimsy: Oh, okay! [starts the van]

Shelly: This is a terrible idea!

Cartman: You guys! Slow down! [van begins moving] Nehoooooo! [Cartman suddenly starts running faster] What the hell? I suddenly feel really good about myself! [Cartman runs until he catches up with the van and grabs onto the back of it with his foot standing on the tow hitch] Gotcha! Woahh! [Van turns left and the police begin shooting the van, narrowly missing him] Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots!

Zid: Oh my god, Cartman's literally hanging out the back!

Shelly: Where? let me see!

Mimsy: You want me to stop?

Morgan: Mimsy, don't stop the van! Instead, turn the van, turn the van! [the van turns right and turns left again, only making them go on the wrong side of the road]

Cartman: AAAHH!

Morgan: Gahh! what the hell was that?!

Mimsy: You said turn the van, turn the van. So I turned... and I turned!

Shelly: Damnit Mimsy, can't you do anything right?! [Cartman knocks on the back door]

Cartman: Open the door, open the door!

Shelly: Somebody shut him up, please?

Seth: Alright, alright! [pulls lever to open the boot, or whatever the american word is for it. Cartman hops inside]

Cartman: *Gasps* God, *gasps* you guys have no idea *gasps* how cold it is out there!

Shelly: Look, give it here! [snatches wheel from Mimsy and proceeds to drive off road in a sharp turn]

Cartman: Sure wish I had a fudgsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii [Van turns completely off road, Police stop]

Officer Yates: [gets out of Car] Where did they go?!

Mimsy: Wow, ha, you sure know how to steer a wheel… get it?

Shelly: No

Mimsy: Oh

Cartman: I know what it is, and don't think you'll be getting with the ladies anytime soon

Mimsy: Well thanks a lot, pal [Everyone is silent]

Seth: ...That's like the most sophisticated thing I've ever heard from Mimsy

Panda Express, the van parks outside. Everyone gets out, they take off their masks and Morgan rips off the fake license plate.

Cartman: Hey Shelly! [Shelly turns around]

Shelly: What?

Cartman: ...You're a really good thief, and a really good driver, too. Oh and you've always been pretty strong

Shelly: Uh, thanks?

Cartman: Yeah, thanks for the jumper by the way [Cartman hands over the jumper that Shelly gave him to warm him up]

Shelly: Well, you know what they say, no man left behind!

Mimsy: Hehehe, I wish I had a radio right now [Shelly punches Mimsy]

Shelly: Shut up Mimsy! [Cartman looks at Mimsy, who is on the floor]

Cartman: Nice job, Shel... you made him unconscious 


	24. The boys break apart

South Park Bus Stop, The boys are waiting. Cartman is not present, Butters is in Kyle's spot who is also not present.

Cartman: [walks in] Sup' douchebags

Butters: Hey

Cartman: Hey, where's Kyle?

Stan: Kyle says he doesn't want to be friends with someone who's fat, racist, and is practically a psychopath, he's gone to make his own gang that doesn't involve you

Cartman: Ohhh, well it was about damn time!

Butters: A-and if you check your phone, you should find a gmail!

Cartman: Okay? [pulls out phone, finds Kyle's gmail] {Reads in Kyle's voice} Dear Cartman… Last night, I thought about everything we've done to hate each other, and it's you in particular who's always been a fat, selfish, racist psychopath. You see, I learned something today, today I learned that if you want to avoid something, you fucking avoid it! no exceptions! I've decided I'm leaving you so I can live my life without the big white hell hole that you are, you can live your life without me as well. Maybe I shouldn't have cheered for you when you tried to fly using cardboard wings, maybe I shouldn't have laughed at you for having AIDS. Fuck it, you and I can stay out of each other's life as I have repeated. Yours sincerely… Kyle {Stops reading} Woah that was deep... fine! I've still got Stan, Kenny and Butters! Right Stan?

Stan: Actually, I was gonna go find Kyle… for reasons

Cartman: What? You're ditching me too?

Stan: Sorry dude... but, you've been more of a fat ass to us than we have been to you [walks off]

Cartman: Dafuq? I helped you with that double date we had!

Stan: No you didn't

Cartman: ...I can't believe it… And I thought we were friends… I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS YOU ASSHOLE! ...Kenny, we're still friends right?

Kenny: ...Dude, fuck you! [walks off]

Cartman: …Butters

Butters: Oh we're still friends

Cartman: Butters, what happened to the outfit I made you?

Butters: Oh, my parents and I forgave each other. I decided to go back to being my old self again and not my sex-obsessed fonz self

Cartman: Butters, the reason we're sex-obsessed is because nature or 'god' programmed us to have sex at this age and have children, not in our 30s. That's why teen-pregnancy happens!

Butters: So you're saying we should all have sex at early age? I mean, we already do in this town

Cartman: No, no I'm not saying that. I mean, how come teenage parents are treated like outcasts? They're not hurting anybody! Are they?

Butters: I don't know

Cartman: (sigh) Butters… I've lost 2 friends today, guess who's fault it is?

Butters: Well, come on now!

Cartman: No, I'm sick of that asshat and his wench mom! You hate Kyle's mom too right?

Butters: Sure I do, she caused the Canadian Holocaust or brulae as the French like to call it. What does that have to do with Kyle?

Cartman: Something's gonna happen Butters... Something

Butters: ...What?


	25. Garrison effect

A blackboard, the words "Garrison effect" are written on in chalk, a phil collins looking teacher appears, his name is Mr Dick and his voice sounds the same as the guy for the rob schneider commercials

Mr Dick: Okay children, today we're going to learn about the "Garrison effect", now can anybody tell me what the effect is? [Stan puts his hand up] Yes?

Kyle: It's when you treat a person better than everyone else because they're famous and therefore, are better people

Mr Dick: Exactly, do you know why it's called the Garrison effect?

Kyle: Because it was quoted by a teacher named Mr garrison that taught me in 3rd grade and 4th grade and 5th grade for a while

Mr Dick: You hear that kids? This young man was taught his ways by Herbert -WHAAAAAAAAA?!

Kyle: That's right [all the kids that weren't in 4th grade with Kyle stare at him]

Butters: Hey, Stan, Kenny, me and Eric went to the same class as kyle

Cartman: I can't fucking believe this!

Butters: What are we gonna do?

Cartman: There's only one thing we can do

Butters: What's that?

Cartman: Kill Kyle!

Butters: Whoa, wait what? Eric, you're not gonna kill Kyle!

Cartman: I will do it

Butters: No, you're not

Cartman: Look me in the eyes Butters, I tell you, I will kill Kyle! 


	26. Remember those days?

South Park High

Gym

The 8th grade class is crossed with 11th grade, everyone is taking turns hitting a punch bag

Gym Teacher: Okay, next! [Butters walks up to bag and turns his body sideways]

Butters: ...Wha- you talkin to me? Y-you talkin to me?

Gym Teacher: Leo, we do not tolerate setup talk

Butters: Oh oh sorry [stands a moment, then proceeds to beat up the bag and ending by hanging off of it]

Gym Teacher: Okay Butters, that s enough for today. Next! [Kyle comes up, he also waits a moment and beats up the bag, but does his punches one at a time and starts doing it normally and powerfully and headbutts and ball kicks]

Stan: {to Butters} He s pretty good!

Gym Teacher: Thank you Kyle! Next! [Cartman comes up, he taps the bag awkwardly with his fist]

Cartman: Okay

Gym Teacher: Hey, here s a riddle; beat it like you mean it

Cartman: That s not a riddle, that s a quote

Gym Teacher: Whatever

Cartman: {In his mind} Beat it like you mean it? What does that even mean? Maybe if I pretend that I m beating the shit out of Kyle [Cartman looks at the bag and imagines Kyle s face on the bag]

Kyle: {In Cartman s mind} Hi! I m a stupid Jew, and I ve pissed you off and also ruined you over 300 times!

Cartman: Gnnnrrrgh! [Cartman proceeds to beat the shit out of the bag, he even scratches the bag in the process]

Kyle: Jesus!

Gym Teacher: Eric, stop, stop, stop! [Cartman calms down] Next! [Cartman goes, Shelly Marsh comes up] Okay, Shelly, let s see what you in particular have in store for us [Shelly holds the bag still and punches the bag towards the audience, it uppercuts Stan and goes up, and comes back down and hits the Gym Teacher who is taken into the air before hitting the wall of the Gym and falling on the floor]

Cartman residence, Cartman comes home and is greeted by his mother

Cartman: Mom?

Liane: Eric, I d like you to meet your cousin [Liane shows Cartman his cousin, Elvin, chewing on a chewy strawberry lollipop]

Elvin: Well, hello there Christ-betraying love betraying sin making disrespectful asshole! [Cartman makes a face of scare and runs outside screaming]

Clyde: What s wrong with him?

Elvin: Your brother s a wanker

Stotch Residence, Butters is watching Family Guy

Peter: You think that s bad? Remember when Stewie got pregna-shut up meg!

Butters: Hehehe! [Phone rings, Butters pauses and answers the phone] Hello?

Cartman: Butters, it s me

Butters: Oh, hey Eric!

Cartman: Yeah, I m staying away, my stupid religious cousin s staying over

Butters: Oh pity

Cartman: So what are you doing?

Butters: Oh, well I was watching Family Guy before you called

Cartman: Family Guy? You still watch that stupid show?

Butters: Hey! You re not exactly supposed to take the show seriously! Also, you ll be happy to know that the show ended last year with a movie

Cartman: A movie? How well did it score?

Butters: Surprisingly good for the way people treat it now, It got a 6.7 on imdb

Cartman: Uh kay, [looks towards the town] *Sigh, Isn t it beautiful?

Butters: I don t know, I can t see

Cartman: Oh wait [turns on cam mode] There!

Butters: Hey, that s pretty cool, how d you do that?

Cartman: It s a part of IPhone 8

Butters: You re right, it is kinda beautiful

Cartman: Yeah, and people say us kids don t go outside anymore. It just boggles the mind, Kyle, Timmy, Clyde and Craig all go outside to the skatepark. How do these people not notice?

Butters: I don t know, it makes me worry about how many mentally ill people there are on the Internet these days

Cartman: *Sigh, remember when YouTube wasn t full of Stupidity?

Butters: No, and you re only 6 months older than YouTube

Back to Cartman Residence, Elvin is typing on his Computer, Clyde walks up to him

Clyde: Elvin, what the he-heck are you doing?

Elvin: I m digitalising the Bible and I ve written 18 pages worth, what do you think I m doing?

Clyde: Okay, first of all, I think that s already been done. Second, it looks like you re writing a fanfic

Elvin: What in lord s name is a fanfic?

Clyde: I don t know and I don t really wanna know [walks off]

Meanwhile at some random powerline

Guy 1: Okay, I m gonna need a plier

Guy 2: Here you go, guy 1

Guy 2: Thanks, guy 2 [Guy 1 takes the plier and clips a cable. Suddenly, the entire town goes dark]

Elvin: Let s see, now what was that line again?

Clyde: Dude, you know, with your attitude, you re not going to get people to follow the bible and you re also going hell for not loving thou neighbour [Lights turn off, Elvin looks at his Computer which turns itself off and he hasn t saved his work] No! NEEHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Butters: Hey, what the hell just happened?

Cartman: Um, Butters, did everyone just go to sleep at the same time?

Butters: No, I think there was a power cut

Cartman: Oh, well that s fucking perfect! 


	27. I will kill Kyle!

Panda Express, same night

Cartman knocks on the door

Cartman: Okay, Butters, it's been nice talking to you, I'm gonna go now!

Butters: Sure thing Eric, I'm just gonna go back to my… n'aww! [Cartman hangs up, Manager unlocks door]

Manager: Cartman?

Cartman: Hey, it's me

Manager: Come in! [they go in]

Cartman: Tonight, I'm gonna kill somebody

Manager: Who?

Cartman: That little jewy kid! [Cartman goes to his elevator, he successfully gets off of it this time and walks down the hall]

Nathan: Huh?

Cartman: I got a mission!

Nathan: ...Go on

Cartman: I want to kill Kyle!

Nathan: Why?

Cartman: Because Kyle is an asshole, and he deserves to be punished for it! Here! [pulls out phone] have a view of this music video that Kyle and his friends trashed! [shows the 'Monday' music video that was set up in a cutaway earlier]

Nathan: ...Ew! ...Ew! Ew! What the fuck is that? I just flashed back to the time when I was 6!

Cartman: It's a song that I wrote that Kyle trashed, and I also lost most of my friends from him

Nathan: ...Okay, let's waste that dick if it'll make you happy-oh god that sounds way worse than it is! [looks to Mimsy] Mimsy, I want you to be the substitute driver in case Shelly has to do something

Mimsy: Deheheh, I don't know boss, she scares me!

Cartman: Shelly punched him out

Nathan: Oh, grow a pair!

Mimsy: Hey shut up!

Nathan: You shut up!

Mimsy: You shut up! [Nathan punches Mimsy]

Nathan: I said you shut up!

Mimsy: Okay, I'll shut up

**Sorry they're so short, these are always rushed because it's a school night and it's after midnight as I'm writing this. So I don't get a lot of time to write fanfictions as I don't feel like doing a fanfic until after 11:00 PM**


	28. Kyle is warned

Broflovski Residence, Ike and his friends are hurrying towards the doorstep.

Ike: KYLE! [opens door] Kyle! [Kyle is sitting down watching Terrance and Phillip]

Kyle: Ike?

Ike: Kyle! You gotta get the hell outta here

Gerald: What's going on?

Kyle: Dad, Ike wants me to get the hell outta here

Gerald: Ike, I know you wanna watch the Lehrer Report. But I expected some manners from an educated boy your age! And you know I have to work day-shift only now that your mother's gone!

Ike: ...No, wait! you don't understand-

Kyle: Dad, he's only nine

Clyde: YOU GUYS!

Gerald and Ike: What?

Clyde: My brother's a part of a mob who has been killing people or hurting people and now he's pissed off at Ike's brother, you, and we caught him on video with a drone!

Kyle: ...Okay, well I already know that Cartman's in a mob-

Ike: What? Dehfuq? Why didn't you tell anybody?

Kyle: I wasn't sure, but I was suspicious, even though it was heavily-implied that he was a mobster

Ike: Oh come on, aren't you supposed to tell someone about a suspicious activity?

Filmore: Wait, you're the one who caught that ass beating up Jake Towiki with a freaking miniature video drone that you created for the sole purpose and decided to [air quotes] "see how it plays out"!

Ike: But I… I just… god damnit!

Gerald: Kids, you realize that you just told Kyle that he's going to be murdered by his ex-friend

Kyle: Okay, to be honest, we were never really friends, we only hung out with him because we liked to laugh at him when he did something bad

Gerald: …I see, and what did that result in?

Kyle: An incredibly annoying and fucked up guy?

Gerald: Hey watch your language!

Kyle: Oh damnit, you always do this!

Gerald: You're only 14

Kyle: Okay paw, when exactly will I be able to swear? I mean, I learnt what sex was in 4th grade for crying out loud!

Gerald: … [oven bell rings in the kitchen] Oh, that must be the sabbath… Kyle, call the police!

Kyle: Finally, something that makes sense comes out of your mouth! [picks phone up and presses the buttons]

Officer Yates: Yello?

Kyle: Officer Yates? It's me, Kyle Broflovski?

Officer Yates: Do I know you? [Kyle thinks for a second]

Kyle: Yes, look. Eric Cartman is a mobster that's really pissed off and is going to hunt me down with the rest of the his gang!

Officer Yates: Are they the same people who stole all that money from the couple?

Kyle: Probably yes, can you send some guys to guard me?

Officer Yates: Hang on, let me talk to the gang for a second here [Kyle's side, he hears whispering] Uh yeah, we'll send some guys to shield your home entrance if that's okay with you

Kyle: Yes, that's fine!

Officer Yates: Good, now let me get back to paperwork. it's like, 12:31 In the morning


	29. Assasination Attempt 1

Nathan: I like it. Okay, Morgan and Zid, you be on the look out for Kyle. Shelly and Eric, you… Eric is also on the look out for Kyle and Shelly is the gunman-woman. Mimsy, you drive the van, and don't you dare fuck me over!

Mimsy: Won't do bawss!

Nathan: And Seth… you do absolutely nothing [Seth looks down. Everyone is silent for the minute]

Cartman: Well, what are we waiting for? I wanna kill that piece of shit! [The gang agrees and goes]

Broflovski Residence, the van passes by slowly

Cartman: God damnit, he's got police on his sahde

Morgan: Yeah, but to be honest, the police are incompetent as shit

Cartman: How about we go to the back where they can't see us?

The van is parked in front of the house, the guards are looking funny

Guard 1: Why is that car parked in front of us?

Guard 2: [looks to guard 1] I don't know Samuel, I don't know… Shoot it [They both set up their guns, Cartman immediately notices]

Cartman: Oh shit! Mimsy step on the gas!

Mimsy: Uhuhuh, okay! [Mimsy opens the door and gets out with his hands up, the guards are confused. Mimsy sidesteps a little] I-I think there's gas here, not sure though, maybe here?

Cartman: No no no! Don't step on the earth that has gas miles below it, put your foot on the acceleration pedal of the van!

Mimsy: Oh! Sorry, I can't think when I'm panicking! [gets back in]

Guard 2: Holy shit he moved! shoot him! [Mimsy steps on the gas and moves the car out of the way before the rockets hit it]

Cartman: You can't think dude

Nathan: He's handicapped dude [Quietness, Mimsy turns the van around. The van makes it to a suitable distance from the house, they get out]

Seth: Ugh, it's cold

Morgan: It's fucking South Park, this town is covered in snow. Though everyone seems to forget this

Nathan: Okay, This time we'll shoot up the guards. Shelly

Shelly: Wait, you guys [The gang turns around] I can't use guns, I mean, I've never used guns

Cartman: ...What, are you serious? [Walks up to her and takes the gun] It's easy, watch! [Cartman aims the gun at guard 2 and accidentally shoots him in the dick, he puts down the gun] ….SHIT! COCK! FUCK! WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THIS?!

Guard 1: You're there aren't you? [Loads rocket launched and shoots at them]

Mimsy: Uh oh!

Nathan: Holy shit! [The rocket hits them, most of them go backwards except for Nathan who flips and belly flops into the side of the van]

Kyle: What just happened? 


End file.
